Thursday, July 12, 2007

The next 43 rules of drinking (part 2)

1. Being drunk is feeling sophisticated without being able to say it.
2. It's okay to drink alone.
3. After three drinks, you will forget a woman's name two seconds after she tells you. The rest of the night you will call her "baby" or "darling".
4. Nothing screams 'nancy boy' louder than swirling an over sized brandy snifter.
5. Men don't drink from straws. Unless you're doing a Mind or Face Eraser.
6. If you do a shot, finish it. If you don't plan to finish it, don't accept it.
7. Never brood in a dance bar. Never dance in a dive bar.
8. Never play more than three songs by the same artist in a row.
9. Your songs will come on as you're leaving the bar.
10. Never yell out jukebox selections to someone you don't know.
11. Never lie in a bar. You may, however, grossly exaggerate and lean.
12. If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English.
13. Screaming, "Someone buy me a drink!" has never worked.
14. For every drink, there is a five percent better chance you will get in a fight. There is also a three percent better chance you will lose the fight.

15. Fighting an extremely drunk person when you are sober is hilarious.
16. If you are broke and a friend is "sporting you", you must laugh at all his jokes and play wingman when he makes his move.
17. If you are broke and a friend is "making sport of you", you may steal any drink he leaves unattended.
18. Never rest your head on a table or bar top. It is the equivalent of voluntarily putting your head on a chopping block.
19. If you are trading rounds with a friend and he asks if you're ready for another, always say yes. Once you fall out of sync you will end up buying more drinks than him.
20. If you're going to hit on a member of the bar staff, make sure you tip well before and after, regardless of her response.
21. The people with the most money are rarely the best tippers.
22. Before you die, single-handedly make one decent martini.
23. Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, "I'm an idiot."
24. Never ask a bartender "what's good tonight?" They do not fly in the scotch fresh from the coast every morning.
25. If there is a line for drinks, get your goddamn drink and step the hell away from the bar.
26. If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours.
27. The patrons at your local bar are your extended family, your fathers and mothers, your brothers and sisters. Except you get to sleep with these sisters. And if you're really drunk, the mothers.
28. It's acceptable, traditional in fact, to disappear during a night of hard drinking. You will appear mysterious and your friends will understand. If they even notice.
29. Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you're hammered and they're sober. It's akin to a precocious five-year-old arguing the super-string theory with a physicist. 99.9% of the time you're wrong and either way you're going to come off as a jackass.
30. If you bring booze to a party, you must drink it or leave it.
31. If you hesitate more than three seconds after the bartender looks at you, you do not deserve a drink.
32. Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you dramatic, tequila makes you felonious.
33. The greatest thing a drunkard can do is buy a round of drinks for a packed bar.
34. Never preface a conversation with a bartender with "I know this is going to be a hassle, but . . ."
35. When you're in a bar and drunk, your boss is just another guy begging for a fat lip. Unless he's buying.
36. If you are 86'd, do not return for at least three months. To come back sooner makes it appear no other bar wants you.
37. Anyone with three or more drinks in his hands has the right of way.
38. If you're going to drink on the job, drink vodka. It's the no-tell liquor.
39. There's nothing wrong with drinking before noon. Especially if you're supposed to be at work.
40. The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to last call.
41. A flask engraved with a personal message is one of the best gifts you can ever give. And make sure there's something in it.
42. On the intimacy scale, sharing a quiet drink is between a handshake and a kiss.
43. You will forget every one of these rules by your fifth drink.

--Frank Kelly Rich


Nomad said...

lol good stuff :p

Zed said...

thanks nomad, i knew someone will appreciate them hehe