Monday, December 25, 2006

Summary 2006

I have just read back through my e-mails for the last 12 months, here's a summary

I must send my thanks for sending me the one about rat shit in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, now I have to scrub the top of every beer can I open for the same reason. I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the £15,000 that BillGates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program. I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's convent has granted my every wish. I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer can buy petrol without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl into my back seat while I'm paying for the fuel, I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans. I no longer use Clingfilm in the microwave because it causes cancer. Thanks for forwarding the advice on avoiding cut-up lettuce ands spinach packaged in plastic bags for saving me and my family from Ecoli contamination by letting me know that deer droppings may be add-ons to our salads. And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will l blow up in my face ...disfiguring me for life. I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a perfume sample, causing me to pass out while he/she and robs me. I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan. I no longer buy expensive cookies from Costa coffee since I now have their recipe. And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up £20.00 dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg. Oh, and don't forget this one either! I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy fuel from certain petrol companies!

If you don't send this to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon, and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician ...

Have a wonderful year....

PS: A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read blogs with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late!!

3 comments:

Elijah said...

and I can no longer use my ATM card because some crazy hoodlum will be waiting to mug me, I no longer believe what's in a photo because some @$$hole used photoshop to suit his/her needs...

LMAO xD beautifully written.

Yazeed said...

I was just informed by Joud that this same forward has been posted by The Aggressor recently.

http://theaggressor.blogspot.com

sorry for the inconvenience

Elijah said...

No worries a lot of people post the same things sometimes, it just shows how many people have the same interests and how the internet is making the world a smaller place.

Besides, if I hadn't seen it here, I probably would've never seen it at all.