Wednesday, June 4, 2008

An American in Dubai

This following extract is taken from an American who moved to Dubai
earlier this year...

April 30th:
Just got transferred to work and live in beautiful Dubai, UAE! WOW!!!
Now this is a city that knows how to live!!! Beautiful sunny days and warm
balmy evenings. It's like New York City minus all the crooks, murderers,
and drunks. What a place! I watched the sunset from a deck chair on my
beautiful bedroom verandah. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I
love it here.

May 13th:
Really heating up. Got to 95 degrees today. Not a problem. Live in an
air- conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car, and everything is
fully air-conditioned. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this.
I'm turning into a sun worshiper.

May 30th:
Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today around our lovely
pool. Lots of palms and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing
lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here. Heat is no problem
at all.

June 10th:
The temperature hasn't been below 95 all week even during the night. How
do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's kind of windy
though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.

July 15th:
Fell asleep by the pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 90% of my body. Missed
5 days of work. What a dumb thing to do in this lovely city. I learned my
lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 20th:
Kitty (our cat) sneaked into the car when I left for the office. By the
time I got to the hot car for my lunch break, Kitty had died and swollen up
to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $60,000 Audi. I told the
kids that she ran away! The car now smells like Wiskettes and cat shit. I
learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.

July 25th:
The wind sucks. It feels like a giant fucking hair dryer in here!!! And
it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner died. The fucking AC repairman
charged 500 Dirhams just to drive over and tell me it was broken in fucking
Hindu English or some language that I couldn't understand.

July 30th:
Air conditioner still broken. Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3
nights now because it is 7000 fucking degrees inside. Bloody 2,000,000
Dirhams house and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here? Fuck
the sun. Fuck the wind. Fuck the freakin' ocean. And fucking locals walk
around dressed in white tablecloths followed by little black female ninjas.
Fucking crazy town.

August 4th:
It's 114 fucking degrees!! Today. Finally got the ol' air-conditioner
fixed. It cost 2,000 fucking Dirhams and got the temperature down to 25,
but the fucking humidity makes the house feel 30 fucking Dubai degrees.
Stupid terrorist repairman. I hate this stupid fucking place.

August 8th:
If another local wiseass cracks, 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to
fucking whack him all the way back to his goddamn desert. Fucking Dubai;
by the time I get to work with all that fucking traffic and heat, the car's
radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like a
baked cat!!!

August 9th:
Tried to run some errands today because it is fucking Friday. Wore shorts
and sat on the black leather seats in my Audi. The seat was so fucking hot
I thought my ass was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on
t he back of my legs and my fucking ass! ! . Now my car smells like burnt hair,
fried ass, and a baked cat.

August 10th:
The weather report might as well be a fucking recording. Hot, humid and
fucking sunny. Hot, humid and fucking sunny. Hot, humid and fucking sunny.
It's been too hot to do anything for 2 damn months and the weatherman dude
wearing the fucking white tablecloth on TV says it might really warm up
next week. Does it ever rain in this damn fucking place? What is next, a
fucking hell freezing over wave?

August 14th:
WELCOME TO HELL!!! Temperature got to 120 today. Now the
air-conditioner's gone in my fucking Audi. The fucking Audi serviceman
said, 'Hot enough for you today?' Fuck him and fuck Audi. My wife had to
spend the 7,000 Dirham to bail my ass out of jail for assaulting that
stupid fucking Paki bastard wiseass. Fuck Dubai! What kind of a sick
demented fucking idiot would want to live in this shit hole?

August 15th: (Independence Day?)

Fuck this place. I'm off back to New York

10 comments:

NYchick said...

It's like New York City minus all the crooks, murderers,
and drunks. !!!!!!!!!

What a fake Newyorker! What murderers? This is a joke

KTDP said...

erm ... I think this is/was a forward I got a while back ...

still funny as fuck though....

N. said...

hahah, so all the problem was just the heat? man.. it would be like me going to Alasaka, I wouldn't ever live there!

Jewaira said...

Hehe
poor guy

Anonymous said...

pj

ManalQ8 said...

They are always saying the same thing

am not surprised

:)

they feel the heat in our countries

and we feel the cold in their countries

:)

nyxxie said...

you only decide to fix ur aircon in august? LOL

Heil Neurotica! said...

He sounds every bit like someone I know who works at the White House
:)

greyshorts said...

ha ha ha

asshole

Anonymous said...

Good riddance, what a effin' racist.